gazelles:

“Ten years later, I am still trying to undo my validation and active listening training—because I want to listen not only actively but also mindfully, compassionately, critically, lovingly. And I want to be listened to in those ways by my friends and family. I have come to believe that support, or at least the kind that comes from loving long-term relationships, is characterized by not only validation but also grounding. Containment. Authenticity. Willingness to enter the space of conflict, as well as the knowledge that we will emerge from it… I believe that in our best, most fallible human moments, the urge to over-validate comes from our fear of crossing boundaries, of replicating the traumas that abusive families and social oppression have enacted on our developing selves. I have come to believe, though, that strong relationships, revolutionary relationships contain the capacity for complexity and tension: That in a loving place, I am able to hear a friend disagree with me and know that they still care for me. That I can receive their advice and know that I don’t have to follow it. That there is enough trust between us that our differences will not shatter us. I don’t want to be validated. I want to be loved.”

— Kai Cheng Thom, I Hope We Choose Love: A Trans Girl’s Notes from the End of the World